Day 76

My mom is being an overly dramatic ranting machine at this moment. So this'll be extremely quick.

This is my current aim status.

"i was happy i had a break from school,
from work, from drama, from bullshit.
but it's worse at home.
i have to face so much at home.
they just don't know it.
making one simple problem into a big issue.
for what reason ? tell me,
what the fuck do you get out of making me miserable, as well as yourself ?"

She just...ticks me off at the wrong times, with the wrong reasons. I mean, if she had better timing and reasoning then maybe, just maybe I'd listen to her. I just don't get how one little thing had to be made into a big fuss. She's acting as if I committed a fucking murder or like I just disowned her, which technically is impossible. All I did was defend myself. All I did was just give her a piece of my mind, just a piece. All I wanted to do was to let her know that I already know what was coming out of her mouth and I didn't want to hear it a second time, especially since it was a small issue. Like, honestly ? She's bringing up that issue of me and Carol not sharing with my brother. It's stupid, right ? We buy stuff with our hard-saved money and she's bitching at us for it. Well, Brian has spending money too. He can buy stuff too. So, why bitch at us ? It's not like we stole from him. It's not like we abuse this family or anything. Why make a big deal out of a couple of freakin' cookies ?

And now, because I spoke up, for the first-or maybe second-time in my life, she's crying. Yes, I made my mother cry. I am sinned for life. And when I try to apologize, she just keeps going on and on and on and on about how we're the worst out their. We're the worst and there's more to come. Now, she wants to make me cry. I'm having a bad school year, a not-so-great-life compared to the past. And what has she done for me ? She hasn't even been there for me. I was hoping I can at least confide to her when I'm down, or when my grades aren't so hot or anything. But what has she done ? Just totally bitch at me, about how I should be ashamed of my poor grades and behavior.

Tonight, I will reinvent myself. For this family's sake. And if all doesn't work out, well...you won't hear from me again. I'll lock myself away for good. They make me afraid. Afraid of what, you ask ? Just afraid in general. They make it impossible for me to trust them. This family of backstabbers. This might be nothing compared to some families out there, but it's still rough. I just wish she'd stop being childish, listen and hear out to my apology and just forgive me.

It reminds me of that one time she was uber pissed at me and my sister. (Note: she's always mad at the daughters but never mad at the son, no matter what the freak he does. Playing favorites, are we ?) We both tried apologizing to her. We were totally going to sit down and apologize, forgive and forget the whole stupid thing. But no, she just ignored us completely when we were trying to be mature and fix our mistakes. For a role model, she's not doing such a good job. It's almost as if she's blaming us.

I think I've had enough of this depressing post. Be back later, if anything ? Oh, I was happy to be going to a concert tomorrow and now I'm ecstatic. I don't have to see her at my dad's friend's house tomorrow. She'll only bring this up again. I feel sympathy for my sister tomorrow but she's more mad at me than my sister...so Carol will survive.

I'm outs.

-AK.