Day 45

Today is Friday. TGIF, ftw. Seriously. This week has been so totally BLECK. I've been feeling a tad bit depressed for the past few days. Hey, maybe I'm finally breaking. So, let's see what's going on...

I was going to update yesterday but I kind of forgot ? I don't know how and why but I stayed up til around 3:30 something in the morning doing that stupid English essay. I had a difficult time coming up with a second work to support my stupid idea. I only stopped at 3 'cause I heard my mom wake up. I literally ran to my room, turned off all the lights and pretended I was asleep. not a bad girl. Not at all. After that, I waited for her to go back to sleep. I sort of didn't wake up until 6:30 and had to finish my essay while my dad was in the bathroom. I printed it out before he got out. Super smooth.

That was this morning. I was going to update about yesterday but there aint much. School, me not saying hi, going to Toys"R"Us with Vicky and getting stuff. That was about it, really. Nothing too out of the ordinary or special. Just spending time with Vicky and enjoying myself. I find that when I'm only with her, just us two (kinda feels private), I can show my true emotions at that time. I'm not saying that I'm not myself when I'm around other people-it's just too public for me, sometime, depending on who's in the crowd, ya know ? Hard to understand, but that's me sometimes. Live with it or go away. (ohgoodness, I feel like a total bitch, too)

Today was a slightly much...more fun day. I wouldn't say better but it was more fun. School was the usual, me feeling disappointed in myself, worrying over shit and blahdeblah. Ever since I transferred to Tech, I'm actually used to the failures. I mean, at Midwood, it's not like I never failed but I never failed so often. Now I'm screwing up my junior year, how nice. I really, really, need to spend less time on the computer. Oh dear, blog I have to leave you ): I'll probably update when I can and stuff. Til then, I'll probably just jot down blog-worthy events and such. So, that's school. Oh, it's the end of the week and my goals lay unaccomplished. I am a bad girl. I can't even keep promises to myself-how terrible. I didn't say hi. How sad. I was super duper close today, though (: But time just isn't on my side lately. -deep sigh- Onwards to MF !

So, it's finally the end of my school day. I head onto MF and boy, there were loads of people there. I knew who was who at least-ooh I so smart-and it was nice seeing everyone again. Stupid Daniel thought I totally forgot everyone. Or him, at least.

D: Remember me ? What's my name ?
Me: Of course I do ! You're Daniel, duh.
D: Wtf ? No, I'm Patrick !

Yea, he really thought I'd fall for it. And I remember David too ! His last name was Rong I think. Maybe I spelled it wrong. Ernest remembers me too :D ! Ah, so I wasn't completely forgotten at Midwood. Makes me feel all bubbly inside. And OHMYGOODNESS I played handball. Like a serious-ish game since like...I have no idea when. I felt pretty good about myself, briefly. I got more hits than I thought I would. Yay me :D ! Other stuffs happened and yea...I don't know when and why, but suddenly I just felt really...sad. It was before a mini-argument I know that much, but I still felt really sad. Maybe it's a lonely feeling from being left out but I don't think that's the main reason...I just can't put my finger on it. Oh yea, that mini-argument was "nothing." It was between Elver and I. Just something handball related, but it sort of got to me. Maybe it was 'cause I lost that argument. I was never a good...what's the word...defender ? Or something like that. Vicky's better at that (: After that, I just felt icky. Maybe I'm being selfish. But someone once told me that being selfish once in a while was okay. But I have a conscience and even a tad bit of selfishness sometimes gets to me.

So, I handled this situation the immature way, of course: avoid and "ignore." I didn't do it on purpose-the immature thing I mean-it just sort of came. After a while, Elver seemed to have gotten over it, so I guess I did too ? By the time we were on the bus, anyway. He seemed genuinely concerned about me, so I let it go. I was reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally tired and I guess I did seem a bit down, Darn, I should've been more chipper. I hate worrying people without meaning to, especially if it's nothing big. Well, this might be big but I don't want to concern others unless it's necessary and I'm at the point of where I need them. Until then, I can try to stand and support myself on my own two feet. When I got home, I almost broke. If it weren't for my sister distracting me and making me listen to her stuff about her day-damn, she needs a blog or a journal-I think I would've been in my room crying. I've felt something well up inside me but never coming out. I think I need to let it out-sooner or later, I know it's going to come out. Like that one time...it was during on of my infamous all-nighters and I was just sitting in bed and I suddenly started crying. I didn't even know what I was thinking about at the time-the tears just came.

Every day, I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down. I feel like I'm hanging from a cliff and just hanging there for dear life-or in my case, my old life. I want it all back. Back when I didn't give a shit about anything. Back when not a lot of things mattered. It's only those few people that keep me smiling. Just thinking about them sometimes keeps me going through my day. When I think about what I'll do with them, when I'll see them, my day is suddenly a tad bit better. These people are what I call my best friends, and my good friends. Trust me, there aint a lot of them.

Well, I guess that's enough blogging for one day. I think my brother should be done showering soon, so I'll go hog the bathroom next. I'm so damn tired...I can't wait til I sleep like a rock. A dreamless sleep would be nice. Oh, speaking of dreams, I need to write mine down sometime soon and just get it over with before it even started. Confusing ? Good.

-AK.

And just when you think it's over,
Just when you're about to give up
And end it all-
They come along and save you
From the depths of you miseries-
Even the depths of your dreams.
These heroes are what you would call
Your best friends. (Your true friends.)

[i don't know if i should make it best friends or true friends. ideas ?]